I can't blame it on the Mozzarella, anymore.

This is something that I've never put in written word for all to see. Because I have made this my happy place...a little escape from the madness and doldrums of motherhood, but here's what is going on...

I've moved back home from Italy approximately four months, ago. Since, moving back I've put myself on a diet and lost about twenty pounds! {pause for cheers & applause, please.} However, the stubborn last twenty are lingering and I just can't blame it on good food and wine, anymore. During our preliminary packout process, I was going through the normal stresses that military spouses experience while preparing for a move. However, this one was really severe, emotionally. On the surface, I seemed to be keeping it together but at home the switch flipped to CRAZY and I was taking it out on everybody...the toddler was no exception. I had become really good at keeping up with appearances and giving off this Oprah-esque vibe that accepted and loved the person that I have become. However, in reality I avoided buying clothes and mirrors, never letting myself get photographed and bought shoes at every open market from southern Italy to London, England. I was overweight, angry and full of resent. I longed for that twenty-something girl with the petite body and care-free attitude.

So, what do we girls do first for help...we run to our girlfriends for advice. The pep talks with the girls were great. However, the usual excuses weren't making me feel better. I just wasn't buying into statements like, "oh, it's normal during moves" and "I'm always a wreck during packout"... yadda, yadda, yadda.

I decided to go to my physician for some professional help. My girlfriends warned me that I would probably get prescribed the second most popular military prescription after ibuprofen...lexapro, a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Despite, their warning I went anyway, because staying this way was not an option, anymore. He asked a series of questions about age, diet plans, physical activity routines, sleep patterns and mood swings. I was completely honest, willing to except his advice because I just wanted relief. Living like this person that I had become...someone no one recognized...needed to stop. I explained to him that I was an insomniac, exercised little, my goal was to eat my way through europe, and that I was afraid that the children were going to suffer from my outbursts. He was great! There was no judgement which was my greatest fear. Seriously, I thought that if I admitted that my kids were suffering that they would be taken away. None of that happened but my girls were right. Upon completing his series of questions, he prescribed lexapro. But that wasn't enough. I didn't want a quick fix! I wanted an answer to all the changes. Have I mentioned he was great? He proceeded to listen to my fears of taking mood inibitors and went even further. He tested my FSH levels (follicle stimulating hormones) and they tested high. In a nutshell, that means I am perimenopausal. Now, what is that?!! Pre-pre-menopause!!!! Ahhhhh!!! {long pause}

Okay, so what do I do now? What do I do with this information? Put down the fork, get off the computer chair, start a diet and move. After, the initial shock, it was a relief to finally label the causes of the changes. The diagnosis will NOT be used as an excuse but rather an action plan. I know that getting back to that twenty-something girl is not the reality. I've got to get over the fact that I will never look as good as I did in the form fitting clothes that I used to wear. However, wearing moo-moos in pretty prints will not be the only fashionable option in my wardrobe.

The truth is that I need to be the best forty-something that my body will allow me. I need to be patient, compassionate and kind with myself....love the woman that is staring me in the mirror and focus on a future full of life, vitality and laughter!!

{If you or anybody you know maybe going through something like this, urge them to go to their doctors...they'll resist at first but thank you later.}


  1. What a wonderful post!!!! Thank you for sharing so honestly. This is so important for women everywhere to read.

  2. I, too, appreciate you being real and your honesty. Way to go in realizing that things weren't normal and getting help!

    And please please join our link up!! I'll add you to the list tomorrow and please feel free to copy the names and blog addresses of everyone involved to add to your post. Can't wait to see your lovely photos and hear your thoughts!

  3. great job on the first 20...and for coming to terms with where you are in life a bit...many would just lay down and let life bowl them over but you sound empowered...that is a good thing...

  4. Liza, I can relate too several things you mentioned in this honest, heartfelt post. I'm a forty something also (just turned 46!) and I often find my thoughts mourning the younger me. As the signs of aging become more apparent it feels like a battle at times to remember the truly important things in life. I never thought I would have this struggle, but then again I said that when youthfulness was on my side!

    I have not had the same struggle you've shared, but about a year and a half ago I got serious about making changes in my diet and revamped my exercise routine. It's made a HUGE difference and I won't ever go back! I lost about 13 lbs. and it's stayed off. Anyway, I share this in hopes that it encourages you in your journey. I totally agree--lets be the best 40 somethings we can be!! Big hugs, xox.

  5. I want to thank everybody for their warm thoughts and concern. I'm doing fine but thought that it was good to share in the event there was someone out there that was feeling the same way and alone in their struggle with aging.

  6. I can relate more than you can imagine. I've been peri-menopausal since my early to mid thirty's. Having a hot flash in a cold mall wasn't really fun back then.

    Now I'm pre-menopausal - oh fun! What's really funny though is that I don't think I'm as old as I am, apparently, I live in my own little fantasy world - until I look in the mirror in the morning...

  7. patience and love towards is key.

    we needn't be happy with our shape, but that's entirely different from self-hating.

    i recently worked out i have adrenal fatigue syndrome. as you say, it's not an excuse, it's an answer, a starting point to move forward.

    and good on you for NOT taking the easy drug option!

  8. @ rose ...we need Snow White's wicked step mother's mirror...hahaha

  9. @ monica ...thank you and good luck to you, too.


Thank you.